This question was recently asked on a fitness forum I belong to:

I am trying to get my girlfriend to start working out and getting into doing Crossfit. I have been doing it for about 4 months now and I am very impressed with the results and so is she. My Lady is over weight. She is about 5 foot 3 and weights over 230lbs. She is affraid that if she starts working out that all of the fat will turn into muscle and she will still be big. But muscular. She wants to loose all the weight first. Anyone please help me in how I should start her off and get her going in the right direction.

“I want to loose the weight first” is a refrain I’ve heard from so many women, in different variations. “I’ll just do Atkins for a few weeks to jump-start my weight loss, then I’ll work out” was a good one, so was “Once I get to xxx pounds I’ll start lifting weights”. At first glance it appears that the woman is just aprehensive about weight lifting or working out because of some myths that the mainstream fitness media has propogated for years. I think the problem is deeper though; I think if the woman were in the right mindset – if they really had the desire and commitment to loose weight – they’d be open to ANY method (except major surgery or anorexia, I hope).

Here is the full text of my response to the post:

Step One: Desire
I’m in agreement with a lot of previous posters: your girlfriend has to want to change. In order to decide that change is necessary, she has to reach her breaking point. She may say she wants to change, but until she reaches that breaking point she’ll make only half-hearted attempts to improve herself.

Her breaking point will be wrapped up in her self image – and if she’s that overweight her self image is “I am fat”. She might not be able to admit it to herself, but at some level she has accepted her size as “who she is”. Something has to happen to break that self image; she has to completely reject that image of herself and see herself as a leaner/healthier size before she can even begin to commit wholeheartedly. For some people it takes a health crisis like a heart attack, or a life crisis like a divorce to push them to their breaking point.

Step Two: Commitment
This is the step you want to push her to right now, but without step one she’ll never get here. Once she has the desire, she still has to solidify her commitment. This step includes setting goals, timelines/deadlines, and coming up with a plan. These things should be written down.

Step Three: Overcoming Popular Fitness Brainwashing
She’s got the desire, and she’s made the commitment – so by this step she should be more open to the ideas of CrossFit or strength training. I don’t think it’s “girl logic”, it’s mass-media brainwashing. This is when you put the literature in front of her that shows her that she will not get big and/or bulky; infact if she is not genetically gifted then intense training and strict nutrition are going to be the only methods – short of starvation or major surgery – that will get her the body she deserves.

and finally…
I’m going to recommend two books. Not because they are great books, there could be better, but simply because they are the two books that started my personal journey and brought me here today:

Fit or Fat, Covert Bailey
Body for Life,

They’re old, so look for them at the library or second-hand bookstore. First, Fit or Fat helps break the “diet” mindset and will get her to think more about exercise as part of her weight-loss program.

Second, Body for Life, a book that I’m sure has gotten hundreds if not thousands of women into lifting. The first section of the book is all about desire, motivation, goals, and commitment. She needs to read it, then read it again, and answer all the questions and do all the exercises before she even THINKS about lifting a pretty pink weight. There are lots of before and after pictures for BFL as well, and seeing those can be a huge motivation as well as squashing fears that she’ll turn into she-hulk. If she wants to do the exercise and nutrition it’s great – strength training, HIIT, and zone-like eating all simplified for beginners.

Anyway, that’s just what I feel needs to be done to get her on the path. Whether she stays on the path, or for how long, is up to her.

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